Why are you holding yourself back in your writing? Why are you afraid of the vulnerability? Afraid of the judgement?
Some questions that may or may not have been asked by a real person.
Most of the judgement comes from my parents… I used to lie to them about things I do or did because I didn’t want to hear their mouth about it. But doesn’t every kid? I really don’t think it goes much deeper than that. But why do I stress over that, now?
I remember when I was about 7 or 8, my mom was yelling at me, and when she walked away I flipped her the bird. I guess I was angry enough to hold it up for a prolonged period of time because she turned around and saw it. I remember she told my father and I was pretty much shunned by him. I think it was a little bit embarrassing because my mom told everyone and said it with such shame. I remember a heavy feeling of shame. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my father be disappointed in me ever, before that. It was a weird feeling and I didn’t like it. I don’t think I have that fear of shame anymore but.. something else..
This makes me think of that line about people not truly living their lives until after their parents die. Like parents are a prison. In a way they are though: prisons of expectation and standards of existence that may not actually be their own.
Some people don’t get to escape prison until the walls rot. And even then, they look at the vast freedom in complete shock and fear. Prisons suck, clearly.
I say this because as you get older, you realize parents are just people. Obviously there’s the connection of them being your first lifelong teachers but they actually are people. People who were living their own lives before you came along, and still happened to be, God willing, while you live yours. They live and support you, but always fear certain things. Things that you might not be afraid of, because of something you learned was possible and real and achievable that they didn’t.
I’m lucky enough to have parents that lived enough life to be able to pass on lessons and advice they thought would be useful to me in life. I hope to be that person for my children. I don’t wish to be their prisons.